Who Needs Dating?

In short, no one. No one needs dating.

I know this might be shocking, many of us spend years looking for and pining after that magical someone that will make us truly happy.

But really, why do you want that? I mean most of us don't want dating, but rather a loving relationship, marriage, or a fun experience or connection with someone special. This is why 'the why' is so vital. All the clarity for what we want and how to make it happen is born from why it matters so much to us. So why do you want a date? What will dating provide? What would be possible if you met that person? Only once you are clear about why you are dating, can you really get everything that you desire. And some of you might even find that what you are looking for can actually be achieved by methods other than dating (friendship, pets, team sports), and viola, you've got options!

Once your why is handled, you want to think about what you are looking for in a date/mate. Most people have a pretty clear idea about the things they don't want, and failed relationships can be really enlightening here. So why do we find ourselves dating the same type of person over and over, or having the same problems/fights pop up? It is not just about identifying what we don't want, it is about getting crystal clear about the qualities we are looking for. We attract what we focus on, and if you look for what you want to avoid, it will unfortunately keep showing up. It's like the adage don't think about the pink elephant.....I think you get the picture (and it's probably of a pink elephant). When we are clear about the amazing, juicy qualities we're looking for, you'd be surprised how often they show up. That perfect person might even be right under your nose.

So now what? You are clear about the kind of relationship, whether dating or long-term, you want in your life, and what that person is like. Now you want to look at yourself. I know, this isn't always everyone's favourite thing to do. I say experience the panic and resistance, breath, and let's do it anyway. Now that you know who you are looking for, ask yourself "Who do I have to be to attract that kind of person"? If he or she is fit, healthy, confident, gives back, and is living their dreams, what kind of mate would you be for them. And if you have some things to handle, let's get that handled. Most importantly, remember that you are already whole, complete and perfect just as you are. The secret is really being the person you wish to attract. My guess is, being that person won't have you needing anything or anyone in your life to make it, or you, complete.

So yes, having that incredible person to share experiences with, is what life is all about. And we don't need it! Not the way need implies filling some void, but rather as a fulfillment of our expression of living a great life and attracting someone delicious to share your life with. To create together and have 1 + 1 equal, not just 2, but 11.

Happy adventures in dating!

Tips For Shy Guys: How to Make the First Move

If your personality type tends to inhibit you from starting conversations with strangers, you might feel even more nervous when the stranger in question is an attractive woman. The good news is that you can reduce this anxiety. How? For starters, by switching your focus. Instead of zeroing in on yourself, focus on the woman you're about to talk to.

Picture this scenario: you saw a pretty woman in the crowd, someone you are attracted to. You really wanted to go up to her and talk to her, but what would you say after "hi!"? As you're deliberating this issue, from the corner of your eye you noticed a guy sauntering up to your girl, casually bantering with her, making her smile. It seems like she's enjoying his company!

Focus on her. If you've ever wanted to be like this imaginary man, knowing how to engage the woman you're interested in, start by keeping the focus on her. In other words, stop thinking so hard about how you want to come across to her, or how you should act around her, or what you should or should not say. Zoom in on what she might want instead. Put yourself in her shoes. Think about what would soothe any concern she might have about being approached by a male stranger. Think about what you can do to make her feel at ease. When you see a girl you'd like to pursue, be more concerned about her well-being-not yours. Learning to pay attention to her needs takes the focus off yourself. In turn, this will help you act more naturally. When you feel that you can be yourself, the real you will shine through-and this is what will ultimately show her who you truly are.

Patient persistence pays off. Say you follow through with what you have just read here-and get rejected. Before you decide to drop out of her life altogether, consider adopting a patiently persistent stance. Even though she might have rejected your earlier advances, you can still show her your interest in a respectful manner. Ask her if it's OK to be her friend. An affirmative answer will give you license to be a reliable and kind figure in her life. Give of your friendship to her, with no strings attached.

Over time, you will see the wisdom this process. First, being in her life as a friend allows you to discover if she is truly someone worth pursuing. If the answer is no, then it's obvious that you can start your search for a romantic partner elsewhere. If the answer is yes, remaining in her life-even as a friend-gives you a way to wage an indirect campaign to win her heart. (Assuming, of course, that you will continue to treat her kindly and patiently, all the time showing subtle cues that you are interested in more than just friendship). Some women need time to decide on a romantic partner. Being patient and persistent can help nudge her toward this conclusion. Even if she refuses you as a potential suitor, though, you will never go wrong with being persistently kind toward a friend.

This principle is not meant as a license for you to cross the line and become a pest. In showing her your interest, make sure you remember what you read before-the focus is on her, not yourself. You are free to be in her life only as long as she permits it. Do not overstay your welcome by acting obnoxious, rude or self-centered.